Anonymous said: have you actually ever had experience with any gender? is that how you came to identify yourself as asexual?
Sexual, no. Never even been kissed. I don’t join grind lines or whatever those are called. They scare me to death tbh.
Okay I’m gonna give the whole story of how I figured out my sexuality.
So when I was like, in fifth grade, I received a surprisingly good sex education. They left out some of the parts about sex itself, but they explained about pregnancy and contraception and abortion from a fairly liberal point of view, which is amazing considering I live in the South and this was at my church. The biggest thing I remember from that was the part discussing homosexuality (AND BISEXUALITY BELIEVE IT OR NOT). Before that, the idea of dating a girl was laughable but intriguing. Not exactly something I desired or sought after, I just thought it didn’t happen. But also around that time when I learned homosexuality is a thing I was also exposed to homophobia for the first time. Keep in mind this was fifth grade. I didn’t know why at the time, I just thought being homophobic is normal because being gay isn’t and that wa how things were.
That year was also the year I started noticing girls as much as I notice guys. Not sexually or anything, I just liked how aesthetically pleasing it is to look at curves and long flowing hair, which little fifth grade me associated with being a girl. Unfortunately, due to the large amounts of homophobia I was exposed to at school, I panicked. I didn’t even know some Christians consider gayness a sin, I just wanted to be normal in at least one aspect of my life and I wanted a boyfriend and a husband and to maybe have kids. I didn’t want to be the butt of people’s jokes. I remember praying a lot that I wasn’t gay, and eventually the problem was pushed back to the back of my mind.
Throughout middle school this occasionally came back. More panicking, more praying. I learned that people think it’s a sin in sixth grade on an Internet forum. That confused me, why would God hate gay people? (Answer: he doesn’t). I also first talked to someone who identified as gay. I was just kinda like whoa ok. That was about the time I started opening my mind up. Maybe not to the point of considering being gay but I wanted to learn.
In eighth grade, a friend of mine came out as bi. A lot of drama followed that I don’t like to think about, but I remember one time she said I looked hot in a camisole. I was just kinda like, whoa no guy has ever told me that?
Freshman year hit, drama cleared up for the most part. I was so confused. I realized I still wasn’t sexually attracted to guys. I thought “maybe I am gay?” But I pushed that thought from my head because I wasn’t sexually attracted to girls either.
One day I was screwing around on Wikipedia and I found an article about asexuality. I was like wait a second and then proceeded to devote a day to researching and researching. That was actually my first experience with tumblr, I ended up on a blog about asexuality. I remember texting Lydia and telling her because I didn’t really have anyone else to tell at that point in my life.
A few weeks later I remember sitting in a church van on the way to bible study and I was thinking about cuddling and I realized tht if you aren’t having sex with a person why would their genitals matter? (I was a little cissexist) So I started calling myself panromantic. That helped make my “gay scares” of middle school make sense. I wasn’t completely open to the idea of dating a girl until I got a crush on a then-close friend of mine. I was amazed at how it didn’t feel weird, it was just love. You know? But the rest of that story isn’t one I wanna recount anytime soon so basically I was like you know what I like girls more than boys even though there are still some cute boys
More stuff has developed since then but I’m tired and you only asked for the asexual part. Sorry lol.